


I'm Ready

by Wings_and_Feet



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Companion Piece, Fear of Messing It Up, First Time (sort of), Good, Hopeful, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, Loving partners, M/M, Past Abuse, Recovery, Self-Indulgent, Sex, Sweet, gentle support, past trauma, patience - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:55:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29869470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wings_and_Feet/pseuds/Wings_and_Feet
Summary: This is a companion piece/sequel to another of my works, Ready or Not.https://archiveofourown.org/works/29167656It will make more sense and have more impact if you read that piece first, although you can probably read this one on its own if you want.Eiji told Ash "When you're ready or not at all." And he meant it.That doesn't mean waiting is easy.How do you know if you're really ready? How do you know if your partner is? How do you quell your worries when the first time was such an unmitigated disaster?Told from Eiji's point of view, this takes place six or so months later. When Ash is finally ready to try again. Sex on his own terms.In other words, this is 9,000 + words of self-indulgent fluff (With a bit of angst and a bit of spice to keep it interesting) to counteract the pain of the last fic.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	I'm Ready

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't just leave it alone. Ready or Not left my boys in such a painful place.
> 
> So I decided to give them a first time that they deserve.
> 
> I also wanted to catch a glimpse into Eiji's thoughts and feelings during this whole process.
> 
> So here you go.
> 
> Let me know what you think.

I'm Ready

He stood at the window, watching the pinks and purples fade from the morning sky, replaced with the glinting gold of sunlight reflecting off the buildings that made up the now-familiar skyline of New York. No matter where he was in the city, it was beautiful in the early morning light. He snapped a final picture before setting his camera down on the windowsill. He stayed quiet, sipping his tea as he watched the world come to life. No matter where he made his home, be it million dollar condo or broken down flop house, Ash seemed to love to be up high. Eiji smiled at the thought, glancing back at the blond man still asleep in the twisted blankets of their bed. 

He wasn’t sure when, exactly, it had become their bed. Sometime in the last six months they had simply stopped sleeping separately. It grew slowly, as the trust between them also grew. It was still easier for Ash to fall asleep splayed across Eiji’s chest like an indolent house cat than it was for him to relax if he felt at all constrained or held down. But he no longer panicked at the weight of Eiji’s body on his. He didn’t flinch at unexpected touches quite so much either, not when they were alone. He had stopped pushing Eiji away. 

He no longer referred to himself as broken beyond repair.

And their casual, tentative kisses had grown confident, even passionate at times. By tacit agreement, they both simply ignored anything that happened below Eiji’s waist and enjoyed what they were both able to enjoy. If Eiji took a few extra long showers, it wasn’t worth mentioning. Some days it was hard, not knowing if there would ever be more. Some days he wished Ash wore more than his underwear to bed. He knew he could say something. But he wasn’t sure how to call attention to his own lascivious thoughts without actually, well, calling attention to them. And Ash looked damned good in those boxers.

Ash felt good, felt cared for, thinking Eiji wasn’t looking, not like that. And knowing that Ash felt safe in his arms was worth taking things literally into his own hands when the pressure got to be too much. 

He wondered if Ash was able to take that sort of pleasure when he was alone, or if they had stolen that from him too.

Eiji knew the difference between attraction and desire and the difference between desire and action. He would never touch Ash, never even let his eyes travel, if it meant that Ash didn’t trust that he was safe with him. Discipline was drilled into Eiji. Discipline at home, at school, on the track. He was good at discipline.

He wondered if it bothered Ash, though. He wondered if his wanting hurt the man he loved. He would stop if he could--box it up and never feel the stirring that brought back such visceral horror to his-- he wasn’t sure, actually. Maybe it was a language barrier. Maybe he didn’t know the word. But words didn’t seem important. His. That was enough.

Ash was his. His to love. His to protect.

He’d do just about anything to make Ash feel safe.

It was hard, though. Ash was so beautiful. He made Eiji feel so much. His body was muscled and lithe, littered with scars that proved that he had survived, that he was strong. His eyes glowed with intelligence. His hair shone in the sun like spun gold. And he moved with the casual grace of a cat. He was almost ethereal, almost unreal. And yet he nearly vibrated with life, with vitality and drive.

And Eiji knew that Ash knew exactly how to please a man. He felt horrible thinking about it. How could he feel so intrigued, so excited knowing where that knowledge came from? What the hell was wrong with him? But at night, when Ash snuggled that damned mostly naked body against him, when his hand or his breath or his spun silk hair brushed across sensitive flesh, when he murmured nonsense or smiled sweetly, relaxed and sleep drenched and oh-so-tender, Eiji couldn’t stop the flush on his skin or the tingling heat down his spine.

Ash knew. He was too observant not to. But he never said anything. And neither did Eiji. Not since...

He still doesn’t know why he spoke up that night. Maybe it had been to make Ash feel better, feel seen. Maybe it was a confession of a guilt that had nowhere else to go. Who else could he talk to? Explaining the situation to someone else was impossible. Hell, admitting that there was a situation to explain was a betrayal. He was the one who was disgusting. He was the one who looked, who wanted where he wasn’t invited. He was the one who had to fight to do no harm. At least he could stay quiet about it.

Ash had...disagreed...when he told him. Ha. Understatement of a lifetime. He had been livid, glowing in fury as he had shouted at him, railing against such thoughts. It had been scary, only the second time ever Ash had truly raised his voice to Eiji. His face had looked feral, like he had on the train platform at Coney Island, like he had been fighting for his life. Like he had been forced into a role he hated but didn’t know how to escape. Eiji had known Ash had a temper, but he had never really seen it, never had it directed at him. 

Ash had stood, too close, with fists clenched at his side. “Don’t be stupid!” he’d shouted. “Don’t think for one second that you being whole, being normal, being all the way human--don’t you ever EVER think that means there’s something wrong with you. Don’t for one fucking minute think that just because I can’t…that I’m not...” He’d spun then, slamming his fist into the wall hard enough to crack the plaster, split his knuckles. 

He had stood then, panting. Eiji had been frozen like the bunny rabbit Bones liked to compare him to. He had no idea what to say, what to do. Slowly, the tension had drained out of Ash’s shoulders. Slowly his head had sunk to the wall above his bleeding fist. Eiji had stepped forward, thinking to comfort him now that the rage had begun to ebb. 

“Eiji--Eiji don’t let me break you. Please. Please promise me. Don’t let me make you into a filthy monster like me.” Eiji had frozen in shock. 

“Ash…” It was all he had known to say. All he could think of. He’d felt so helpless. “Don’t say those things about yourself.”

“You saw, Eiji. You know. We keep pretending you don’t. But...Please Eiji. Please. If I make you feel...broken...then you have to go. You have to leave me. You have to get away.” A tremor had run through his shoulders then. “I can’t...I can’t lose you. Not like that. I’m sorry.”

Eiji thought about that night a lot. The next morning Ash hadn’t behaved any differently. If not for the cracked plaster and bruised, abraded knuckles on his right hand, he might have convinced himself he’d imagined the whole thing. He’d spent days chewing on his lips with nerves, sure Ash would finally send him away. Sure that Ash didn’t want him anymore.

Why would he? Why would he want a failure? He couldn’t protect himself. Couldn’t help his men. Couldn’t handle a gun or hack a computer or even really run properly anymore. He didn’t know anything about gangs or drugs. He couldn’t  **do** anything…

But Ash did want him. He smiled when Eiji came into the room. He laughed with him. He let Eiji drag him into silly dances to terrible pop songs. He snuggled into Eiji’s arms each night. He let Eiji approach him from behind. And he never, not once, shrugged off his gentle touches of support and reassurance. For a man as touch averse as Ash tended to be, that spoke volumes. Eiji cherished each scrap of evidence--that he was wanted, that he was loved, that he was worthy of the attention of this brilliant and barely tamed force of nature.

In the last few weeks, Ash had begun, tentatively at first, to initiate small, intimate touches. Eiji ran his fingers over his thigh, blushing slightly at the memory of the trail Ash’s fingers had taken a few days ago--up and down, caressing his leg as they chatted, curled together in bed. Ash allowed his hands to roam more, to grope or tangle gently in his hair. He pulled him into kisses or down into his lap wrapping him in his arms. And the last time Eiji had startled him with a touch, instead of freezing like a cornered animal, he had laughed, green eyes sparkling.

It seemed like a test, though which one of them Ash was testing Eiji didn’t know. How do you enthusiastically encourage something without putting any pressure on someone to continue? Each time they had pushed a little further away from gentle and innocent, Eiji watched carefully. Ash seemed quiet afterward, but not upset. Certainly not panicked. And a day or two later, he would push again, a little further, a little longer until they were both left panting and flushed when he finally pulled away.

Eiji wasn’t afraid of Ash. Ash would never willingly hurt him. He knew that like he knew his own name. But he was often afraid FOR Ash. 

That fear nagged at him. Was it ok to want this? Did Ash really, truly want it too? But though he did his best not to think about it, the terror of another night, the shattered feeling that he had become one of the monsters in Ash’s mind never quite left him whenever things got physical. Because Ash was accustomed to doing what he thought he needed to do, even if it hurt. 

That night, the night Ash had decided to seduce him--it had been unreal, disturbing, to watch his Ash dissolve, replaced by a doppelgänger. Ash’s body had been supple, hot and pliant and arched with false pleasure and wooden words. He had been an incubus with eyes of broken glass.

And he would have gone through with it, let Eiji fuck him, hurt him, as he fought through flashbacks sure that if he didn’t offer what he thought Eiji wanted he’d lose everything. Again.

Eiji hadn’t understood the desire to truly hurt another person until then. 

He shivered, shoving thoughts of that night away. He had never been so terrified in his life--not when he was kidnapped, not when bullets were flying around his head, not when he had called his mother to tell her he wasn’t coming home. The  _ sound _ Ash had made, like a terrified, wounded animal...and he hadn’t really understood what was happening, what he had done, WHY Ash had tried to do those things…

He’d gladly face down a hundred guns to avoid the terror of watching the young man he loved beyond all reason shatter because of him. He still felt clammy at the memory of how helpless he had felt. 

He didn’t understand. Not really. But he knew. He remembered the horrified revulsion he’d felt tied to Golzine’s bed, the nausea that had curled in his gut at Yut-Lung’s casual words. He’d  _ seen _ Ash use his body to tempt abusers or gain advantage. He’d  _ heard _ his father’s words, known how young, how so very _very_ young Ash’s pain had begun. 

Eiji shook himself, chasing away the terror that still clung to that night and the darkness he both did and did not want to comprehend. They were here, now. And the sunlit city was lovely. And Ash had crawled in last night around 3 am and had shucked off his jeans and curled around Eiji without hesitation. He had nuzzled up, pressing his cold nose under his ear before pressing a kiss to his jaw. He had relaxed rather than tensing up as Eiji pulled him closer and kissed his temple. 

It was incredible. His heart swelled with newer better memories--of sleepy morning make out sessions and hands that sought permission to roam. Of the taste of Ash’s lips, the texture of the skin of his shoulders. Of the silky feel of his hair, hair that Eiji, only Eiji, was welcome to play with to his heart’s content. 

It was new, and maybe a little fragile. But it was real. 

Some nights now, when they pulled apart, lips red and tingling, Eiji could see Ash’s pupils blown wide with excitement rather than terror. His face flushed instead of pale. It felt like a victory. 

Eiji had also recently noticed, though he had avoided mentioning it, that he wasn’t the only one reacting below the belt when they kissed anymore. The first time he had felt Ash’s arousal, he’d had to suppress his own panic. But Ash hadn’t acted as if anything remarkable had happened, and Eiji let it go. He tried not to think about it, how it had felt brushing his thigh as Ash leaned into him. How much he wanted to touch, maybe to taste?

Eiji’s face heated. They had talked, many times. It had begun as a horrible but clearly necessary activity he had insisted on when he found himself afraid to touch Ash at all after his panic attack. Eiji had been awkward and mortified, Ash stilted and filled with self-deprecating avoidance. Neither of them wanted to talk about it. Both of them had needed to.

It was better now, but Eiji was still afraid. Afraid to push for fear Ash would take it as a demand. Too soon and he’d undo all the progress he’d made with the remarkably skittish man. His gang saw him as unassailable, unapproachable. To hear them tell it, Ash wasn’t afraid of anything. He never had been. They didn’t try to touch, and so no one had cause to notice how carefully he avoided it. Now that Eiji had seen it, he couldn’t stop seeing it. Ash didn’t flinch from a punch, but he shied away from any kind of gentleness. 

Except from him. God, what a gift--to be given the trust of such a remarkable man. And what a curse to want desperately to touch that man in every intimate way imaginable and to know that that touch would hurt him. It could destroy the beautiful gift he had bestowed on a nobody kid from Japan. 

Eiji turned to look back out the window. He heard Ash stirring behind him. He should make breakfast soon. Be useful. 

To tease or to pamper? He loved to watch Ash choke his way through the salty, fishy foods of a traditional Japanese breakfast. He also loved the smile that looked almost childlike when he was presented with American sweets. Maybe he’d make fish-shaped pancakes. Eiji giggled to himself, wondering what wonderfully exasperating comment Ash would have for his ‘big brother.’

He was pretty sure he was translating that wrong. Then again he’s read that some partners here called each other ‘baby’ or ‘daddy’, so maybe not. Oh well. It didn’t matter. And Ash smiled whenever he said it, so even if the words weren’t quite right, they were still good words.

Speak of the devil. A snuffling grumble followed by the sound of bare feet dragging across carpet sounded from behind him.

Arms still carrying the warmth of the bed snaked around his waist, pulling him back against Ash’s chest as he dropped his forehead onto his shoulder. Woolen yarn worn soft with age tickled his arm from the blanket Ash had clearly left draped across his shoulders. It had been Shorter’s. Ash said it was ugly. And to be fair, it was-- a faded pattern of yellow and orange and what had probably once been purple showed where a beginner had missed stitches here and there. Ash claimed not to know how it ended up among his things. Yet somehow it always made it to whatever apartment or hideout Ash was calling home. It was as ubiquitous as the height.

Ash mumbled something Eiji didn’t quite catch against the crook of his neck. His bare skin burned through the thin t-shirt Eiji had slept in. His hair tickled along his jawline, and Eiji moved his head, leaning back to offer a smile and a quick kiss to whatever part of Ash’s head he could reach. It turned out to be his eyebrow, and he was rewarded with a sleepy huff of laughter.

This was amazing. This was his. It was powerful and precious and he loved it more than life itself. He didn’t like violence, but he was absolutely prepared to protect his Ash and the life they were building here, high above the streets of New York City. He had spent more than a few hours sitting alone while Ash did whatever stupidly, self-destructively heroic thing Ash was doing that day thinking about how if he was ever standing in front of the men who had nearly shattered this amazing human he wouldn’t hesitate to pull the trigger. Gentle soul be damned. They would never hurt his Ash again. Never.

There was no room for those dark thoughts now, though. Not with a warm, sleepy, sexy man plastered to his back. Ash grazed his lips along Eiji’s neck before trailing a line of lazy, open mouthed kisses across his shoulder. Eiji couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran down his spine. His mouth felt like fire along his skin. Ash hummed before grazing teeth along his neck, nipping not quite gently at the nape before sucking the sensitive skin into his mouth.

This was...new...and incredible. He was having trouble thinking coherently, losing moments to nothing but sensation. 

Still behind him, Ash slipped his hands up under his shirt, stroking up his sides and gently tugging at his nipples. His breath caught. 

What should he do? He wanted to turn, to fling himself into Ash’s embrace, to kiss him with all the hungry passion that had been building for months. But he knew he couldn’t. Ash would feel safe with him, no matter how many cold showers it took. He wouldn’t push, wouldn’t demand, wouldn’t even  _ imply _ that he wanted more than whatever it was Ash felt comfortable giving. He had very good self-control when he needed to. 

Ash traced the shell of his ear with the tip of his tongue. Eiji let out a breathy, gasping moan before he could stop himself. Ash chuckled. It sounded dark and rich, full of desire. 

Eiji could feel himself melting at the sound. But…

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him. He trusted him with his life. It was just that he had a complicated relationship with hard facts and clear truth. Ash was a consummate actor. He could turn on and off the appearance of sexual desire easier than most people turned on the taps of a sink. And Eiji couldn’t see his face, couldn’t look into his eyes. 

What if.

What if he’d noticed Eiji licking his lips when he saw his erection the other day? He’d done it without thinking. But Ash noticed everything. 

What if he’d decided Eiji wanted more. Fuck. What if Eiji had let it slip just how much he did want more. Not now. But someday. He’d wait. He was fine waiting. But Ash wasn’t used to people waiting. What if he thought…

He couldn’t let this go on. 

Eiji gently grabbed his hands, pulling them away from his chest.

The second he pulled Ash’s hands away from his body, Ash froze. His voice was clear, devoid of any sound of desire--

Like a switch. Damn. He’d been right. He was careful not to let his breath shudder as he sighed. At least there was no panic.

“Do you want me to stop?” Ash sounded calm, careful.

Eiji needed to see his face. He knew Ash avoided eye contact in stressful situations, unless of course he was using it to intimidate the hell out of whoever he was talking to. He knew he felt it increased tension. But Eiji couldn’t do this without looking, without seeing. He turned in his arms. 

He both did and didn’t hope that Ash would step back, give him space. He was careful not to graze any part of Ash’s body with the almost painful bulge in his loosely fitting pajama pants. It would be obvious if Ash looked down. Maybe he shouldn’t have turned around.

“Do  _ you _ want you to stop?” He asked. He was a little surprised at how calm he sounded. His heart was racing. Fear warred with arousal, leaving him breathless and confused.

His mind flashed to Ash panicked and shaking. Of faked kisses against wooden lips. ‘Defiled’ rang in his head. 

What a fucking terrible way to learn a new word. 

Ash closed his eyes. His pulse was fluttering in his throat. Eiji watched as he held himself still for a moment before slowly dropping his forehead to rest on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything. 

Eiji took stock. He was breathing faster than usual, but it was regular. His hands weren’t shaking. He was beginning to relax. It was ok. They were ok.

Then he felt it. First a single drop followed by another, followed by two more. The warmth hit his collar bone, dripped down the plane of his chest beneath the stretched out collar of his sleep shirt. Tears. Ash was crying. 

His own eyes began to sting. Damn it. He bit his lip. He couldn’t cry. Not right now. This moment of vulnerability--it was a gift too. No one else got to hold him when he was sad. No one else ever held him at all. Eiji took a shaky breath.

Ash looked up at him. His eyes shone with unshed tears but his smile was radiant. “God, I love you so fucking much.” He leaned forward and kissed Eiji once, twice and a third time before pulling back.

“Ash?”

“I’m ok, Eiji. I promise. I just--no one has ever,” he took a breath. Eiji held his own. “No one has ever asked me that. Never in my life. No one has ever...cared...about me like you do. I-I don’t know what to do with it.” 

Eiji let himself raise a hand to wipe away his tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

“Don’t be. You didn’t. It’s amazing.” Ash smiled again. Eiji thought his heart might explode if he kept doing that. He couldn’t stop himself from dropping a kiss of his own on Ash’s lips and reveling in its open acceptance. 

The gentle kiss became two which became more, heating up as the number grew. His head was swimming as Ash once again began to trail kisses down his neck, sliding his hands down his sides to grip his hips. Ash was gentle, always gentle, but there was a demand in his touch. He pulled back, thumbs rubbing circles on Eiji’s hip bones, fingers curled around his hips to graze his ass. Eiji couldn’t quite read the look in his eyes. He was having a hard time thinking about anything but those thumbs lazily stroking him. He felt his eyes flick down to Ash’s lips, further, to take in his body. 

Ash smiled and his eyes lit with something that definitely wasn't fear. “I had a dream about you,” he murmured. He pecked Eiji’s lips again.

His mind whited out for a minute. “O-oh?” he managed, reminding himself firmly that Ash was likely seeking comfort from a nightmare. He needed to get his mind out of the gutter. He needed to focus on his partner. He was just riled up because of what he’d been thinking about before Ash woke up. Morning kisses weren’t uncommon. He needed to get himself under control. He really, really needed Ash to stop doing that to his hip bones.

He forced his eyes back up to Ash’s face, ignoring any intriguing sights he may or may not have noticed on the way. Ash was blushing. His heart could not take this. His dick wasn’t handling it particularly well either. “Wh-What did you dream about?” He sounded strangled.

“This.” Ash kissed him again, pulled his body flush against his chest. His arms cradled Eiji, one hand in his hair, the other gripping his ass. His mouth was demanding, tongue dancing with Eiji’s only to withdraw so Ash could nibble his lips.

Somehow he shifted his body so that his leg was wedged between Eiji’s. The pressure of the hard muscle of his thigh rubbing against him forced all the thoughts out of his head for a moment. When Ash bit down gently at the juncture between neck and shoulder, Eiji couldn’t help it. He moaned and thrust his hips against Ash’s leg. 

Ash gasped. 

Eiji’s heart froze in his chest. What the fuck was he doing? The memory of Ash shaking and sobbing, whispering, begging in broken phrases Eiji couldn’t understand flashed into his head. He tried to leap back, to gain distance, room to think. Ash’s arms still held him for a second before he recognized Eiji’s attempt to pull away.

Eiji was panting, his body flushed, his heart hammering. The apartment hadn’t felt cold before, but now the loss of Ash’s heat made it feel frigid.

Damn it. Damn it. The look of whatever-it-was that had had Eiji melting at his every touch was gone. Replaced by the familiar look of shame and self-degradation. “I’m sorry, Eiji.”

Ash stepped back and the temperature dropped another ten degrees. No. No, don’t pull away, don’t leave. I didn’t mean it… Did Ash really not know how much he didn’t want to reject his advances? He snapped his arm out, snagging the edge of the blanket, holding him in place without caging him.

He smiled gently. “Tell me what you dreamt about? Please.” He leaned up, kissing his cheek. Please see how much I value you. Please see how much I want to get this right.

Ash was never tongue-tied. He spoke his mind. He was blunt, occasionally rude, often teasing. But whenever he opened his mouth it was with supreme confidence. Except with Eiji. “I uh. That is we, um…” He flushed, then scowled. “Never mind.” 

“Tell me.” He stepped back into the circle of Ash’s arms, allowed himself to kiss him gently. Let his fingers skim over the planes of his chest, trace his scars. “I want to hear it.”

“Eiji, you said if there was ever a time that, that I wanted... it...sex...that you did too?” It sounded like a question. Another tear escaped and trailed down his cheek. It caught the light, glittering like a diamond.

Did he mean?--Eiji remembered saying something like that that night. He’d said much the same several times since then. Any time Ash asked if he was sure, if he was missing out, if he was sorry he chose him...Eiji always said the same thing. And he meant it, every single time. I will wait. You are worth the wait. 

And every time before today Ash had looked at him with some level of mistrust, some level of incredulity. 

“Why do you cry, Ash?” 

“Did I not say it right?” Damn. He’d been practicing. He’d seen so much daytime television at this point he should have been prepared for any type of overly emotional, melodramatic scene he could possibly imagine. Still, if Ash was smiling, it wasn’t a total loss.

“No. It was right. It’s just not how most people would phrase it. It’s more common to say why  _ are _ you crying--like ‘to be’ instead of why do you cry like ‘to do’? Get it?” 

He thought about it. English made no sense. “No. Because you  _ are _ Ash, and Ash is many things, not just crying. But you  _ do _ cry, just like you  _ do _ change the subject.” Ash flushed and Eiji grinned in triumph.

This was not a moment for a grammar lesson. He suppressed the urge to stick out his tongue in victory. Instead he asked again, “So why are you crying?”

“I, I don’t know. It just all feels like so much. And usually when I break down it hurts, but this doesn’t. It doesn’t hurt Eiji. It feels--full. And you’ve waited so long and put up with so much, and, and in the dream, I could feel you making a new place in my head with different touches and different words and...I...I want that. I want you.”

Another tear traced down Ash’s cheek. “But, it's ok if you don’t. You don’t have to. I know that I’m maybe not a great option for your first time. Maybe, maybe you want someone else, someone less--” Eiji watched him swallow some derogatory word for himself. “It’s ok.”

What did he want? Some part of him definitely wanted to feel this beautiful man’s mouth on his neck again. He wanted to feel every part of him. But...he’d spent so much time worrying about not pushing Ash to be ready, he’d completely neglected to address the fact that he had no idea how to proceed. 

And no matter what Ash said or what he thought he believed, Eiji knew this was a minefield of horror just waiting to happen with the wrong move. 

“What are you thinking?” Eiji asked carefully.

“Well, what do you want? I know how to do just about--”

Eiji felt his face fall and Ash’s words clearly faltered in response. He’d just been thinking he had no idea what to do, but the language Ash still used, ‘know how’ rather than ‘want’...It mattered.

“What do you  **want** to do, Ash? What do  **you** like?” Ash was looking at him blankly. The question seemed to have him at a complete loss.

“Me? I, uh, well…” 

Eiji felt his heart break. He didn’t know. He didn’t fucking know what he liked. He had meant it literally. He knew how to do everything Eiji could imagine wanting and he couldn’t think of a single goddamned thing he liked on his own behalf.

“I like kissing you,” Ash managed. “I like the way your skin breaks out in goosebumps when I bite your neck. I like that sound you made before. I like knowing I made it happen...because I wanted to.” 

Ash was looking at him nervously, like he was waiting for approval. Like he wanted to know if that was good enough, if he’d earned the right to try having sex for his own pleasure. 

Eiji was not equipped to deal with this. But when had that stopped him from doing anything when it came to Ash Lynx? Never. That’s when.

“Then kiss me,” He whispered. Ash leaned forward. “Wait!”

Again Ash froze. He smiled, “Eiji, I know I’m not one to talk here, but you are sending some seriously mixed signals right now.”

Mixing signals? Oh right. He hated idioms. Eiji thought about returning the joke with one of his own. He considered letting humor take them into comfortable and familiar banter and away from this huge moment he wasn’t sure either of them were really ready for. He thought about it, but he didn’t do it. “I need to know, Ash. Can I touch you? Can I kiss your body too? Or do you just want…” Damnit, what was the word? “Do you just want to give but not get back?”

“I’m not sure.”

Eiji made a decision. “So I touch you and you say ok. We find the boundaries, yes?” He waited until Ash nodded before leaning forward to kiss his neck just below his ear. He’d done that before. When Ash nodded he continued, mimicking the kisses Ash had trailed down his neck and shoulders moments ago. 

Ash shifted toward him, the garish afghan he’d been wearing falling to the floor. Eiji lifted his head, watched Ash’s face carefully. He waited again, nervous but excited too, until Ash nodded. 

He decided to give into one of his less intense fantasies. He smiled at Ash with more confidence than he really felt and then began feathering kissed down his chest, over his pecs and toward his nipple. Gingerly he put his hands on Ash’s hips to steady him before kissing one and gently pulling it into his mouth. 

Ash stiffened up. 

Eiji lifted his head. “Ok?”

Ash nodded shakily. Licked his lips. “That’s...nice.” His voice was rough, but his face was filled with a growing sense of wonder. Then he grinned wickedly before pushing Eiji against the window and capturing his nipple in his mouth.

Eiji thought he might combust when that wicked tongue swirled around it before flicking it with just the tip. And those thumbs had begun their movement again. Eiji whimpered. He couldn’t help it. And Ash laughed as he kissed his way down his chest and across his stomach, dropping easily to his knees before him.

He stared wide eyed and trembling as Ash grazed his lips across the front of his pants. Oh my god. He could feel the heat of his breath through the thin fabric. Ash sat back, looked up at him through his pale lashes, eyes sparkling with a familiar teasing mirth. 

He was going to die. His heart was going to explode. He tried desperately to hold onto his fraying thoughts, to check in. He looked into Ash’s eyes. He looked nervous, excited, maybe a little smug. He looked fully present. He was choosing this. 

Thank god. 

“Ok?” Ash asked. He couldn’t speak, nodding like a bobblehead for a moment instead. He reached out to cup Ash’s cheek, to trace his cheekbone with his thumb. His skin was warm as his eyes fluttered closed and he leaned into the touch for just a moment. Then he leaned forward again, nuzzling his face against him, kissing the hip bones he’d caressed earlier. Eiji’s knees buckled slightly, rattling the window behind him in its frame when Ash pushed his shirt up a bit and ran his tongue along his stomach just above the waistband of his pants.

Without thinking, he grabbed Ash’s shoulder to steady himself. Ash flinched, just a tiny bit. It wouldn’t have been recognizable to anyone not so desperately attuned to any sign that all wasn’t quite well. With legs shaking and dick throbbing, Eiji gently pulled Ash back.

When he’s ready or not at all. “Ok?”

“Y-yeah.” He grinned. “Definitely.” He raked his eyes up and down Eiji’s shaking body, and his smile grew. “Need a minute there, old man?”

It broke the tension. He laughed, pushing playfully at Ash’s shoulder. “Yeah, maybe.” He tugged Ash, upward rather than forward, to stand in front of him. “This window is cold. It is making me shiver.”

Ash looked completely nonplussed for a moment before laughing delightedly and scooping Eiji up into his arms. 

He absolutely did NOT squeak like a startled mouse. He  **might** have given into the impulse to suck on Ash’s neck, just for a second. He would definitely remember the noise the blond made when he did.

Ash dropped him onto their bed. “There you go. Nice and warm.” His hesitance was gone, replaced by the familiar happy, comfortable banter. This was good. 

Ash stood before him in nothing but a pair of dark red boxers. Hands on his hips and a cocky smile on his face. God he was beautiful. Eiji searched his face and found only that same nervous excitement. Was this really happening? He looked again, this time with less concern and more hunger. He let his eyes roam over Ash’s body, snagging on the swell that proved that nervous or not, Ash wasn’t faking his desire this time.

“I’m still cold.” He couldn't’ tear his eyes away. “Come over here and make me hot.”

Ash barked out a delighted laugh. “Do you realize what you just said?” He crawled into the bed, loomed over him. Ran his hands up his thighs, long fingers brushing the creases where leg met hip. “Because I’m more than happy to make you hot for me.”

He’d said something not quite right. He could tell by the humor on Ash’s face. He’d meant to continue his joke, but...But it was damnably hard to concentrate when Ash-fucking-Lyns’s finger was tracing the line of his cock through his pants. He’d figure it out later.

He reached out just to touch, flattening his hands on the plane of Ash’s stomach, stroking his fingers upward. He hesitated when he neared Ash’s pinked nipples. He’d pulled his hands there last time. Did that mean…

“Stop thinking so hard, Eiji. It’s ok. You can touch me.” He increased the pressure of his hand. “I want you to.”

Fuck that was hot.

...oh. That’s what he said. Eiji’s snort of embarrassed amusement surprised them both. 

Ash smiled at him. Then moved backward, taking Eiji’s hands in his and pulling his into a sitting position. “Scoot back against the headboard,” he murmured. Eiji slid back without thinking, happy to let Ash take the lead. 

As soon as he was situated, Ash climbed into his lap, straddling his legs. The gleam in his eye was predatory as he captured his mouth, the movement rocking their hips together. He continued the motion as he deepened the kiss, using the headboard behind Eiji for balance. 

Eiji gripped the blanket tightly in both hands. He could hear quiet gasps and hums of pleasure, but he was so distracted by the friction Ash was building so carefully between them that it took Eiji a moment to realize the sounds were coming from him. When Ash pulled back from the kiss, he followed, not wanting to lose the sensation. 

He had no experience to draw from. He was running on pure instinct. He ran his hands up Ash’s legs. God, the muscles moved under his fingers as the blond continued the lazy roll of his hips. It was mesmerizing. He watched as Ash’s boxer clad member slid deliciously against his body. When he finally managed to wrench his eyes away it was to see Ash watching him.

Suddenly he felt self-conscious. He’d never done this. Barely even seen two men together before embarrassment and fear of getting caught ended his brief foray into the offerings of the internet. Was he being weird? But Ash just looked at him, amusement and tenderness and something else filling his eyes. “Good?”

His voice was rough, his fair skin flushed. Because of Eiji. A wave of tenderness struck him then. “Yeah. Good.” 

“What do you want, Eiji?” Ash stilled his hips but leaned forward to trail more kisses down his neck.

“Can I see you?” He wasn’t sure why of all the things available to him, that was what he chose. Ash wasn’t body conscious. He’d found him sleeping in the shower enough to be intimately familiar with what he looked like naked. But he wanted to see what was only hinted at behind those boxers.

Ash stilled. Looked away. His movements were still graceful and smooth as he climbed from Eiji’s lap. He nodded once. “O-Okay.” His voice sounded different. His eyes remained averted. Something was wrong. He was… It was not ok.

Ash hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers and began to slowly pull them down. He licked his lips, but it wasn’t sexy. He looked nervous.

Eiji grabbed his wrists. Ash flinched. “Ash stop.” Eiji couldn’t place what had happened. But something had definitely changed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

The sigh that escaped him was exasperated, fearful. “You promised. You promised never to lie to me.”

“It  _ is _ nothing.” Ash looked up at him, glaring a little. He huffed out a breath, but Eiji had no intention of giving in without an answer. “It’s silly.”

“So it’s silly.”

“Fine.” Ash snapped, sounding annoyed. Was his body as confused as Eiji’s? “I’ll be naked and you are completely dressed and...and it doesn’t matter because it  _ is _ you and not anybody else” And with another huff of irritation, he yanked off his boxers and stood before Eiji. 

His pose was less performative, more aggressive, as if daring him to say anything. Maybe he should stop this. But Ash was still visibly aroused. Eiji was doing his best not to stare. He was, maybe not as successful as could be hoped, but the reappearance of Ash’s cocky grin was reassuring.

Eiji leaned up and pulled his shirt over his head. “I do not need to be fully dressed. I can be,” he paused. What emotion was Ash most likely shying away from? “I can be on display too.”

Ash smiled and Eiji let out an internal sigh of relief. Ok. “Then you decide if you want to sample what you see.” He winked. 

And Ash full on fucking giggled. He tackled Eiji, shoving him over onto his back. He showered his face and chest with kisses before gripping his pajama pants and yanking them off in a single movement. Eiji did feel exposed as those jade green eyes traveled over him. He felt pinned beneath Ash’s gaze, fighting the urge to squirm under its intensity. He loved it. He thought he could get quite used to that attention focused solely on him.

Then Ash dropped down to take the head of Eiji’s dick in his mouth and he stopped thinking anything at all. He was nothing but heat and tingling electric pulses of pleasure. His eyes tracked the shifting strands of blond hair as Ash bobbed his head. He held himself still, not wanting to spook his lover or accidentally hurt him. This was enough. It was so much more than enough. This was everything. His whole body was trembling by the time Ash pulled off to look up at him, green eyes through pale lashes, pink cheeks and pinker lips.

He had to close his eyes or risk finishing at the sight. When he blinked them back open, Ash was staring at him, a small smile playing around his mouth. When he finally managed to make hazy eye contact, Ash reached out to gently pry the blanket from his grip. He entwined their fingers, still holding his eyes. He didn’t have a name for what he was feeling, in either language, when he processed more than trust shining in Ash’s eyes.    
  
He knew he was blinking stupidly, but he just couldn’t manage to find words amidst the sensations and emotions clouding his mind. “Ok?” he managed to force past the chaos. “You good?”

Ash nodded, looking a little stunned himself. He was breathing heavily, eyes wide and lips parted. He was stunning. Eiji was stunned.

Slowly, gently he reached out gripping Ash’s hips and tugging him forward. Even more slowly he ran a hand up his sides, over his shoulder to rest oh-so-gently behind his neck. “May I?” he whispered, tugging him forward. 

“Anything,” he whispered. And then they were kissing. Gentleness gave way to passion, and Eiji forgot to be careful, to be gentle. Instead his hands roamed, touching as much as he could reach. All the while their mouths devoured one another, tongues clashing. Ash’s ass felt just as incredible as he had imagined. His cock felt heavy and searingly hot against his palm.

And when he finally managed the courage to stroke him, the gasping groan Ash let out left him seeing white for a second. 

There were still moments where Ash froze, or he did. Whispered check ins and gentle smiles pausing the momentum but never halting it. There were still occasional flashes of nerves, of guilt too. But it was all lost if the overwhelming feeling between them. And every time Ash groaned or gasped or leaned into a touch rather than stoically allowing it, Eiji’s heart soared higher.

Finally Ash pulled away panting and thrust two fingers into his own mouth. Eiji felt his brow furrow. Was he trying to quiet himself? He looked nervous again. Determined but unsure. “What are you doing?” Eiji murmured, ready to take his wrist, pull his hand away.

Ash pulled his fingers from his mouth with a pop and reached behind himself. “I’m getting myself ready for you, Eiji.” He smiled, dark and sultry. “It will only take a minute.”

“Ready?” He flicked his eyes down. Ash looked pretty keyed up already. “Ready for what?”   
  


Ash flushed and his eyes clouded. He stopped whatever he’d been doing and brought his hand back around. “I was, uh, stretching myself, to make it more comfortable when you… enter.” His eyes wouldn’t meet Eiji’s. “It, I guess it’s sort of… gross if you think about it. Which you don’t have to.” Ash’s flush was quickly shifting from an excited pink to a shamed deep red. “I, I should have asked. You don’t have to do anything. I can finish you off with my mouth. You liked that.” His smile was forced. “I could tell.”

The wink was almost genuine. He was trying. 

But they’d stumbled again. Into his sense that he was dirty. Eiji hated it. And it wasn’t fucking allowed. Tonight was not going to be ruined because Ash assumed stupid things--like that his inexperienced confusion meant he was disgusted. Of course he knew how men had sex together. But the internet sites he’d watched had skipped this part. Ash had mentioned prep once or twice before. He hadn’t known what he meant, hadn’t considered it important at the time.

What the hell. He dove into unknown waters with both feet. “Show me how. I want to do it.” His voice was shaking. Nerves? Excitement? Who knows. Ash was simply staring at him absolutely dumbfounded. He’d never seen him caught quite so completely off guard. It was actually rather funny. Eiji tried not to laugh. He mostly succeeded.

“Ok. Um…” Eiji could see him shifting to what he privately thought of as ‘teacher mode.’ It was the way he held himself when he explained something to Eiji or one of the guys. Normally Eiji thought it was adorable, but right now it didn’t exactly fit the mood.

“No. Don’t explain it. Unless you really want to. Just show me what to do. Show me how to make  _ you _ feel good.”

Ash blinked at him again before his face broke into a radiant smile. He took Eiji’s hand, looked him in the eye and sucked two of his fingers into his mouth. He traced them with his tongue, nipped the pads of them gently, all the while watching Eiji’s face. His fingers? Really? Damn, he didn’t know someone sucking on his fingers could make his entire body flash hot and cold with sensation. Ash’s eyes were dancing, clearly amused by his obvious surprise. 

There was a pop as Ash drew his head back. Eiji jumped in surprise. He grinned sheepishly when Ash huffed a laugh. As Ash drew his hand down, guiding his fingers and gently leading him to slip them inside, Eiji had to ask. “Why lick them?”

Ash was always very good about choosing words Eiji knew. At least when he wasn’t upset. It was something that never got mentioned but made Eiji adore him even more. He could say what he wanted about himself--well no, actually he couldn’t--but Ash genuinely took such good care of the things he loved.

“It makes it slippery, wet. So it is easier.” 

“I have something!” He pulled his hand back, perhaps more quickly than he’d intended and rolled to rummage under the mattress. “I saw on the internet and bought it downstairs. For when men…” he trailed off as Ash laughed, wrapping him in a hug and snorting into his shoulder. “What? I am alone all day most days. And you are not easy to resist.”

He thought he’d said too much when Ash startled, but was treated to a nearly giddy smile when he managed to pry him up from his neck. 

“It will…” snerk…”make it…” another escaped snort “easier.” He was still fighting his own laughter. Eiji found himself chuckling along a little bit. It was hard not to, seeing Ash so jubilant. “You little Japanese minx, you.”

“What is a minx?”

Ash didn’t answer. He gave up suppressing his laughter and cackled. Then he grabbed Eiji pulling him into a messy kiss interrupted with giggles. He smiled against his neck. “Thank you, Eiji.”

Sometimes Eiji hated the English language. But he could recognize the thanks. He went with that, still a little confused about what had just happened. “You are welcome, Ash.”

Ash kissed him again before taking the bottle from him and popping open the cap. “Give me your fingers.” 

When Eiji’s fingers slipped in this time, there was less resistance. He could feel Ash’s hot, tight body squeezing them. And maybe soon he’d feel it squeezing something else. He could feel Ash relaxing as he moved. He didn’t quite notice when Ash released his wrist, intent on the feel of his body and the little gasping breaths he was taking. But he sure as hell noticed when that hand, now also slippery with lube wrapped around his aching cock. 

He couldn’t focus enough to keep his hand moving as Ash stroked him. 

“Are you ready?” Ash’s voice was breathy. 

English words were not available. He reached and found nothing but sensation. “Hai.” He nodded/ He knew Ash knew that one. 

Ash shifted, pausing in his move to lie back. Something flickered across his face. He shifted again, this time gently guiding Eiji to lay back. The sheets felt cool on his heated skin. Ash tenderly brushed his hair off of his sweaty face. He couldn’t stop shaking. Oh god, this was it. This was happening. 

Ash smiled at him. His expression shifted from nervous focus to amused fondness. 

“Yeah?” Ash sounded strained. He sounded wrecked. 

Eiji nodded. And suddenly Ash was astride him, reaching behind himself to guide Eiji as he slowly lowered his body. He felt their bodies touch. Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. The room was spinning and everything was too hot. 

Again Ash asked, “Yeah?”

Eiji felt himself blinking a little stupidly. “I. Yeah. If you’re sure.”

Ash didn’t say anything, just slowly slid down his length until he was seated fully in his lap. It was hot and wet and completely overwhelming. Ash was looking at him, almost shyly, a look of wonder on his face. No fear. No pain. He looked almost joyful.

“I love you, Eiji. So much,” he whispered. 

There was no way he was even capable of feeling more than this. It was everything. His heart was going to burst. And then Ash began to move.

What he lacked in experience he made up in enthusiasm as Ash guided him in how to move together. He was quickly becoming addicted to the looks of surprised pleasure that would flit across Ash’s face, the gasps he let escape as Eiji finally gave himself permission to touch as he pleased. 

It took both forever and also no time at all for him to reach the edge, to be flung over chanting “I love you.  Anata o hontōni aishiteimasu. I love you so much.”

Ash pulled himself off, collapsing next to Eiji, smiling down at him. “Good?” he grinned.

“Amazing,” Eiji panted. “That was...amazing.” He grinned when Ash laughed.

But, as his mind slowly regained the ability to think, worry began to settle. It had been amazing. For him. But Ash hadn’t…

He sounded happy, but his body was shifted to hide himself. “Ash?” 

“Hmm?” He seemed too busy kissing Eiji’s neck to respond fully. 

“What about you?”

“What about me?” He sounded genuinely unconcerned. 

“Don’t you want, I mean, do you want me to…” He had no idea how to ask this. 

“It’s fine, Eiji. It’s better than fine.” He smiled again.

Good. And also hell no. Not unless it was actually what Ash wanted.

“So then it’s ok if I do this?” Please be ok. Please be ok. He slid down the bed, doing his best to repeat the actions Ash had taken earlier as he took his thankfully still hard member into his mouth. 

Oh that was a sound he’d like to hear again. He tried moving his head. It was tricky, hard to maneuver. He wasn’t sure what to do with his tongue, how to cover his teeth. Dammit. Ash had made this look easy. How do you breathe?

“Eiji. It’s ok. You don’t have to do this. Ash tugged him up, kissed him gently.”   
  


“I want you to feel good too Ash. I want to make you feel good.”

“I do, Eiji. You did. That was...I didn’t know it could be like that. It was amazing.” Ash actually blushed. “I don’t need… You don’t have to do anything… else.”

Eiji could feel his stubborn streak rise. “I never said I had to. I want to.” He didn’t want to push. So he stayed where he was on the bed but gently wrapped his fingers around Ash. “If it’s ok.”

Ash gaped at him a moment. He bit his lip and nodded. Eiji caught him in a kiss as he began to stroke him, letting the heat build until Ash’s entire body stiffened. Eiji had just a second to panic before Ash called out “Fuck, Eiji!” as his climax took him.

Eiji grinned in triumph. 

Ash’s eyes were a little wild after. His hands shook a bit. Eiji held him gently as he processed whatever was happening in the aftermath of what was also, in a way, his own first time. “I’ve got you. I’ve always got you,” He whispered.

Ash slowly relaxed in his arms. Eiji pushed himself up on his elbows, looking down at him. He was careful not to loom, aware of his body and certain it didn’t appear to restrain Ash. “Are you ok?”

He was shaky. Eiji could see it. But his eyes were clear. “Yeah. Yeah. I’m ok. I’m--I feel--” He gave a frustrated huff. “It was… good.” Then he flushed. “Shit. I sound like a clueless virgin.”   
  


“Well I am a clueless virgin. So I will say it too. That was good. It was perfect. And it was absolutely worth the wait.”

Ash’s eyes brimmed with tears. He burrowed into Eiji’s chest, squeezing him tightly. Eiji rubbed his back, content to let him hide for now. There would be more time later. Ash could talk more when he was ready. 

For now, he was so incredibly grateful that they were together and safe and whole in this moment. For now, he would smile to himself as he catalogued places on his skin that now knew Ash’s fevered touch. 

For now, he would hold his lover. 


End file.
